


lie to me, if you have to

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Relationship Issues, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 06:21:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9110356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: aaron's birthday weekend was supposed to be a romantic escape for them, a weekend away from real life and all the problems that come with it. but apparently their problems are big enough to spill over into this magical fantasy robert had cooked up for them, and he and aaron have a conversation about everything their relationship isn't.or, robert's birthday surprise backfires, and he and aaron wonder if their relationship will survive.





	

Robert stood in the middle of their hotel room, a glass of champagne in hand, looking at Aaron. He’d been at the Goldsborough for a business lunch before, and had loved the luxury of it all, the push furniture and the spectacular setting making him feel like he was a proper man of the world.

He’d wanted to treat Aaron for his birthday, get him away from it all for a weekend, and Robert had wanted to do it at Goldsborough Hall - of course, Aaron’s birthday being when it was, the hotel was booked out with post-New Years holidays, couples wanting the best of the best when it came to their last blow out of the Christmas season.

But he’d sorted it, with Rebecca’s help, and managed to get them one of the luxury rooms for the night, complete with a bed about eight times the size of their one at the pub, and a bathtub you could legitimately have a swim in.

Robert had dreamed up a romantic weekend away, the two of them holed up in their plush hotel room, doing all the things they couldn’t living in a pub with Aaron’s mother and his little sister. Maybe they’d venture out to explore the hotel, take advantage of the bar, or the gorgeous grounds - have a nice wintery walk in the Yorkshire countryside, just the two of them.

It was exactly what they’d needed, after everything they’d been through over the past couple of months. 

Of course, it had backfired - just like every nice thing Robert tried to plan for Aaron seemed to, it backfired spectacularly and had led to Rebecca having to spoil the surprise because Aaron thought he was cheating on him with her, and Chrissie sticking her nose in exactly where it wasn’t wanted and promising Aaron that Robert would cheat on him eventually, and just you wait until he got to feel the same way she had when she’d found out about the affair. 

The universe had to have it out for him at this stage. Robert had planned out the proposal to a t (aside from what he was actually going to say) and somehow it had ended with Aaron in a hospital bed and a lacerated liver to go with his engagement ring.

He’d planned this fantastic birthday surprise for Aaron, all romantic and soppy, and Aaron had yet to say a word to him, completely silent since they left Emmerdale - nothing on the hour long drive to the hotel, nothing as they’d checked in, and not so much as a grunt when they’d arrived at their hotel room to a bottle of champagne and rose petals all over the bed - Robert had thought he’d at least get a laugh at the rose petals, a comment from Aaron about how much of a soppy git he was. 

But nothing. 

Absolutely fucking nothing.

Robert took a sip of the champagne, watching Aaron carefully. He was standing, looking out the window at the pitch black grounds of the hotel, his shoulders tense and his champagne glass clutched tightly in his hand.

“Are you going to look at me at any point this weekend, or is this going to be a two day experiment in how long you can be in a mood with me?” Robert found himself asking, knowing his sarcastic words would provoke a reaction from his fiancé.

They always did. 

Whether he liked it or not, Robert always knew how to wind his fiancé up, get a reaction out of the younger man. He rarely tried to these days, entirely too happy in their relationship to want to, but tonight was shaping up to be a night where it was going to be the only way to get Aaron to talk.

“I don’t think you’re in any position to be in a mood with me.” Aaron responded, turning to look at him.

He looked gorgeous, was Robert’s first thought. Aaron had started to grow his hair out, and his fringe was soft and fluffy against his forehead, the dark blue jumper he was wearing tight against his upper chest, showing off every inch of muscle his fiancé had.

“Right, well, next time I try and organise something nice for ya, I won’t bother, shall I?” Robert couldn’t help but be a bit snappy. “This isn’t exactly the reaction I imagined, Aaron. This wasn’t easy to organise.”

“Yup.” Aaron set his glass down on the bedside table, his face still neutral. “Had to involve Rebecca and all.”

“I thought you and Rebecca were okay.”

“I never said that.” Aaron shook his head. “And the two of you having a cuddle in the middle of the village wouldn’t be fine with me either way.”

“You know, this is getting really old Aaron.”

“What is?”

“You believing anyone who’s got a bad word to say about me.” Robert said. “The minute someone thinks they’ve got something that proves I’m not good for you, you believe it - you believe it instead of coming and talking to me.”

“Well, what am I supposed to think? You had an affair with her when you were with Chrissie, and now she’s back in your life and you’re secretly meeting her and up to all sorts!” Aaron was getting riled up now, his mask of silence finally breaking. 

“I needed her help to get this hotel room! She’s got a mate thats a manager here, she pulled in a favour for me.”

“Oh, and what favour did you do for her in return, eh? Get to know the inside of her room up at Home Farm?” Aaron was angry, that was abundantly clear now - his face was flushed an angry red, his expression hardened.

“Is that really what you think of me?” Robert couldn’t hide the hurt from his voice. “That I’d sleep with her to get you a birthday surprise?”

“Well, I don’t know do I?”

“She owed me, for helping her with her outdoor adventure thing.” Robert said. “She called up her mate and I gave her a hug to say thank you for sorting this, the hotel was booked out when I rang up.”

Aaron shrugged, sitting down in one of the armchairs, tapping his fingers against his knee anxiously. “Fine.”

“You don’t believe a word I’m saying, do you?” Robert shook his head. “Aaron, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do to prove to you that I love you. I have spent this past year doing everything I can to make sure you know how much I care, how much I love you, and none of it seems to be working. So I’m at a loss here, I really am.”

“Why here? Why did you have to get her involved and get this hotel?” Aaron demanded.

Robert sat down on the edge of the bed, looking directly at Aaron. “We’ve never been here before.”

“And?”

And it wasn't tainted by the affair, by thoughts of Chrissie, by anyone else except them. 

“ _And_ that means that it’s got no bad memories attached. We were never here during the affair, or anything. It was supposed to be a brilliant romantic weekend away for us, the first one we’ve ever actually had.” Robert wiped his hands on his trousers, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach. 

Aaron’s expression softened slightly, but only slightly. “I still don’t like that Rebecca was involved.”

“I’m done apologising for talking to her, Aaron.” Robert said. “If you can’t trust me, it’s hardly my fault, is it?”

“Oh, because you’re very trustworthy, aren’t ya?”  


“I have been! I have been this year.” Robert defended himself. “Aaron, I know I fuck up sometimes, but I have been trying my best to be honest with you this time around. I’m not very good at it, but I am trying - and you can’t deny me that much.”

Aaron didn’t say a word. 

“You want to know how I feel?” Robert knew this conversation was only going to go one of two ways, brilliantly or spectacularly badly, so fuck it, he might as well be honest. “I feel like I’m the only person in this relationship sometimes.”

“W-what?” Aaron looked baffled.

“I try. I try so hard to show you how much I love you, and I feel like it gets thrown back in my face sometimes.”

“ _How_?” 

“Like today, Aaron - this entire weekend. I spent ages trying to plan this and get it all perfect, and you haven't so much as said you liked it.” Robert stood up abruptly, searching for something in his bag. 

Finding what he was looking for, Robert slammed the envelope down in front of Aaron. “It’s a half day experience at a karting track near here, part of the surprise. I was going to leave it until tomorrow morning to tell you, but I wouldn’t want you to think I’m cheating on you with the receptionist who sold me those.”

Aaron looked at the printed tickets in the envelope, shaking his head. “Don’t be like this, Robert.”

“Like what? Angry? I think I’m allowed to be.” Robert said. “I wanted this to be a great weekend for you, for us, and now I’d rather be pretty much anyone else, because clearly you think very little of me and our relationship if you think I’m cheating on you with Rebecca.”

“Can you blame me? Can you blame me for thinking you’re going to stray eventually? Because we started out as an affair, in case you’ve forgotten.” Aaron shoved the tickets aside, back to being angry now. “I was the other man, so I know how good a liar you are, and how well you can hide an affair, and it scares me to know that you could be off doing God knows what with whoever you want and I’d never know, because one look from you and I’d forgive you anything, Robert.”

“I can’t change the past. I can’t change our past.” Robert said. “But I am trying to give us the best future I can, and I just…”

“You just what, Robert?”

“I feel like you don’t love me half as much as I love you.” Robert admitted. “No matter what I do, I feel like I’m more invested in this relationship than you are.”

Aaron’s eyes darkened. “Are you being serious?”

“Yes.” Robert sat down again, his heart beating furiously. He’d been thinking it for weeks, of course he had, but this was the first time he’d admitted it aloud, and the words sounded so scary, so world ending, now he’d said them. 

“Why would you think that?”  


Aaron looked genuinely confused by Robert’s words, which was something, he supposed. 

“You never tell me you love me.” 

“Robert, you know I’m not good with that sort of thing.” Aaron said. “But you know, right?”  


“No, Aaron, I don’t, that’s the point.” Robert said. “You’ve said it once since we got engaged. Once since we’ve gotten back together, actually, and I was fine with it for a while, you know? I know this has been the year from hell for you, but now - now I feel like you don’t say it because you don’t really mean it.”

“Thats not it, Robert.”

“But thats how it feels. I’ve been trying to say it as loudly and as often as possible for months now, you know? Everything I’ve done, its to prove to you how committed I am to you and our future together.” Robert said, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “And then you go and barely react to me trying to surprise you with something, or you react badly, and I wonder why I’m even bothering, because you clearly don’t want this.”

“Robert, I spent nearly all of the affair wishing you were mine. Why would I throw it away now I’ve got ya?” 

“You tell me.”

Aaron shuffled awkwardly in his chair, clearly trying to think of what to say. “I’ve been weird with you lately because I’m afraid you’re cheating. Because you’ve been spending so much time with Rebecca.”

“You want to know why I’ve been spending time with her? Because it’s nice to feel like I have a friend.” Robert admitted, not quite bringing himself to look at Aaron. “You’ve got so many people in the world that love you so unconditionally, and I’ve got you. Just you.”

“Thats not true.”

“Isn’t it? Because your mum and Liv practically jumped at the chance of having some proof that I wasn’t good enough for you, and I thought they were okay with me now. God knows I though we were on our way to being family - but the second I’m talking to someone who isn’t you, they both jumped to the conclusion I’m cheating. I don’t have friends, I’ve barely even got a family - its a good day if I haven’t annoyed Vic, and Diane only puts up with me. You’re all I’ve got, and lately, I haven’t really felt much like you want a real future with me.”

Aaron was silent.

“I didn’t want to talk about this today, or this weekend at all. I just wanted us to enjoy a weekend away together and celebrate your birthday properly, but Aaron, we’ve been ignoring the problems in our relationship for weeks now and I’m terrified I’m about to lose you.” Robert couldn’t even be embarrassed that there were tears welling in his eyes now, his feelings pouring out in a incoherent, messy jumble of thoughts.

He couldn’t lose this.

Robert couldn’t lose him. 

He was nothing without Aaron, not these days. 

“I don’t know if it’s not trusting you thats making me pull away. I know I can trust ya with my life, because you’ve saved it so many times now.” Aaron admitted, twisting his engagement ring around his finger, a nervous habit that hadn’t faded yet, even months after. “I think it's the me being enough thing that I don't trust. I can't believe that I'm enough for you, not when you love being flash, when you love being the big man in the house on the hill. I guess I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t remember ever being happy in my entire life, and now, with you - God, Robert, it’s perfect. I’ve got this gorgeous fiancé that wants me, broken, messed up me, when you could have had anyone you wanted. And I don’t believe thats real, sometimes, I really don’t.”

“I don’t want anyone else.” Robert said softly.

“And you tell me that all the time, I know. But it doesn’t mean I believe it. I see Rebecca, and I see everything you wanted when we started all this - the flash cars, the gorgeous woman, the fancy lifestyle. I can’t give you any of that.”

“But Aaron, you’ve given me so much more than that. Before you, I was lying to myself about who I really was. I’d have stayed in the closet forever if it wasn’t for you - you of all people have to know how good it feels to be true to yourself, admit who you are and be happy with that person. You did that for me.”

Aaron gave him a sad smile. “I’m glad.”

“But?” 

There’s always a but with them, isn’t there? 

“But.” Aaron confirmed. “It doesn’t mean I’m not still waiting for this to all come crashing down. Anyone I’ve ever loved, I’ve ended up hurting - just take one look at Jackson. He’s dead, because of me. And even if I don’t do the hurting, its not like I get to be happy. I never told anyone, but Ed was the one who left me - admitted he couldn’t cope with me anymore. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but it was too hard, it was too hard to have a boyfriend who self harmed and couldn’t stop.”

Aaron snorted. “Too hard for him. Can you believe that? I’m the one who’s got all this fucked up stuff in my head, keeping me awake at night, and it was too hard for him.”

“Prick.” Robert mumbled, not sure if it was an appropriate time to interrupt.

“I love you.” Aaron said sincerely. “I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. It scares me how much I love you, because I would do anything to keep you in my life, and I know there’s nothing I can do if you wake up one day and decide you’ve had enough.”

“When have I ever given you the impression I’d do that, Aaron?” Robert was close to offended as he spoke. 

“I’m not denying that a lot of this goes on in my head, Robert. But it’s still how I feel.” Aaron wiped roughly at his eyes, his sleeves tugged down over his hands. “I don’t get to be happy. I never have been, so why would today, or tomorrow, or the next day be any different?”

“I don’t know what to say.” Robert admitted. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

“I don’t either.” Aaron admitted. “But we can’t get married when we’re like this, can we? Thats just a recipe for disaster.”

“You’ve got my heart in your hands, Aaron, and you’re the one with the power to break it. It’s not easy for me to let you be like that, let myself be that vulnerable.” Robert said, looking intently at Aaron. “I want to marry you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But I can’t go above and beyond to prove to you how much I love you every single day if you’re never going to believe it.”

“I can’t pretend I ever will.” 

That, Robert decided as he looked at Aaron, was probably the worst sentence he’d ever had to hear in his life, and his own father had told him in no uncertain terms to never come home.

But that, that was a slap in the face. After everything he’d done, everything they’d been through together, it wasn’t enough. 

Robert wasn't enough.

“So what do we do?” Robert asked. “How do we fix us?” 

“I want to forget we ever had this conversation.” Aaron admitted, picking at a lose thread in his jumper sleeve. “I want to enjoy this weekend and be with you and go to that karting thing and just let myself be in love with you for one weekend and leave all our problems until Monday.”

“Then can we do that? Please?” Robert hated that he was almost begging as he crossed the room, crouching in front of Aaron. “Can we pretend we’re okay for this one weekend?”

“But you think I don’t love you.” Aaron said tearfully, reaching out with a shaky hand. He rested his palm against Robert’s cheek, his thumb stroking along Robert’s cheekbone. Robert squeezed his eyes shut at the touch, the warm feeling of Aaron's hand against his skin easing the knot in his stomach, the heaviness in his heart. A few tears escaped as Robert opened his eyes again, Aaron tentatively wiping them away with the pad of his thumb.

“Convince me then.” Robert said. “Because I’ll believe it, Aaron. I’ll believe it if you tell me now, I will.”

“I love you.” Aaron said, a stray tear falling down his cheek. He looked so upset at the prospect of Robert thinking he didn't love him that Robert nearly took it all back, took back every word he'd said that evening, just to wipe that broken look from his fiancé's face. “I love you, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn't for you. And I want to trust you, I want to believe you’d never cheat on me.”

“Then please just _do_ , Aaron, because I don’t know how else I can convince you that you’re it for me.” Robert slid his hands across Aaron’s thighs, holding tightly to him as his own legs protested his awkward position crouching in front of his boyfriend.

“Okay.” Aaron said, his voice thick with tears. “I trust you. I believe you."

Robert knew it was a lie. He did, he knew it was a lie. Robert Sugden was not a stupid man, and he knew when he was being lied to - he knew when Aaron of all people was lying to him,

But he let himself believe it, for one last weekend at least. 

 

 

 

** fin **

**Author's Note:**

> blame claudia for this, she posted about not feeling like aaron loves robert as much as robert loves him earlier, and this happened about four minutes later.
> 
> i wish they'd show how aaron feels on screen a bit more, because i can't imagine robert not feeling insecure or sidelined by him a lot of the time, and well, obviously enough, aaron's got a lot to work through when it comes to him and robert, so an angsty conversation had to happen.


End file.
